Boredom Kills

If you think the post title is a little over dramatic? I would have to disagree, boredom and loneliness do kill. They kill the spirit as seriously as any physical death kills. I wouldn't say I was dead yet but I am certainly a pale comparison of some of my former selves. I say that, because I have been here before. When my daughter (now 19), was 2, I was desperately lonely. I remember wailing and throwing myself around the place in front of my unsympathetic (1st) husband. He was so far from understanding that I had to run away. I was in my nightgown at the time and lived in a block of flats, so only got as far as the hall landing. I did remedy the situation then though, that's when I took up a drawing class 2 afternoons a week. The next year I took a full time drawing course, the year after that I did an HNC course, the year after that I went to art school and the year after that I left my unsympathetic husband.
My littlie is 2 now, I guess its my cut off point, where I cannot take the loneliness and isolation of being at home alone EVERY day. I don't visit any friends, they don't visit me. There is no-one to watch the littlie for a few hours to let me do something for 'me'. The mother and toddler group didn't suit us, I don't swim, or go to the gym or yoga, or dance or pottery or................. I think you get the picture.
On the plus side, my husband is a wonderful man. Unfortunately its bad timing for me to be asking for more time/attention. Like many companies his employer has cut back on staff due to the recession and this means longer working hours for the staff lucky enough to still have jobs (much longer). He has received a pay increase by way of compensation (chopping lots of staff salaries has afforded a chosen few a couple of thousand extra wages per year). But even though I do like financial security, I have never been all about the money. I would rather have more time than more money. We cant change that situation for now.
I dont know how to change my daily monotony. Dont get me wrong, I am not looking for someone to take the littlie for me, I LOVE being with him, but pretty soon, he isnt going to love being with his tearful moody mother.

I read this story last night about it.
There was a woman who had an Aunt. This Aunt used to break the boredom of her life by every once in a while, putting on her finest clothes and walking around the 'poshest' shops in the city where she lived. Due to financial instability, her husband was sent to work in a new area out in the sticks. There were no posh shops and the Aunt began to shrivel up in her perfect little home with her darling little children. One day, she cleaned her kitchen floor, put on her finest clothes, took her husbands shotgun and blew her head off. Every woman alive knows why she washed the floor first.

I don't want to blow my head off, but I think I need to blow the lid off these feelings. I just don't know if I am quite desperate enough to give myself the push yet.